Letters From A Change Agent #selfforgiveness

Happy New Year! Time for a new calendar and new beginnings. Reflecting on the new changes can bring guilt about what we failed to change in the past. The past is a weight that we can rid ourselves of with little energy. Unfortunately we don’t. In any new cycle, we must reset our integrity from what we were unsuccessful at. This reset process is a way to forgive ourselves for what we did not accomplish.

Forgiving ourselves allows us to put to rest our anxiety about not doing what we said we would. Maybe it was about losing twenty pounds, becoming a more engaged employee, or making better communication in your marriage. For me, I have told myself I’m going to create better ways to stay connected to my loved ones I don’t see or connect with as often as I would like. This goal has been on my “resolution list” for many years. I work on it, but fail to meet the expectations I set for myself.

Any new change forces us to handle emotions with the same process. We acknowledge a new change we want to make in our lives and we then remember what we said we would do prior. We often have guilt over what we were not successful at. We must learn to replace guilt with a slight acknowledgement and say, “I take ownership for not doing _________. I will instead now do _____________.” That new declaration is now the concern. We can find a way to hold ourselves accountable for the new claim, celebrate our success, and take responsibility if we fail. Whether we succeed or fail, we will follow the result with a new claim.

It is only us putting the pressure on ourselves. If the goal or task is important, then it should have a higher level of accountability. If it is not, then we cannot torture ourselves. I often feel that my goals, tasks, and ambitions are the makeup of this line of living life. They aren’t always straight forward, and often blur our ability to really live life, or stay on the line, but with personal forgiveness, we can more quickly get back to living life on the line. That is the main goal of us all, to live the fullest and most impactful lives we can. Start with forgiving yourself and make room for the new year.

Early Morning Lesson with Grandma

Early morning on a snowy first day of winter, I drove my grandmother and her “friend” Rue, to the airport.  As he was dosing in the back seat before his long flight to D.C., grandma and I were talking typical family shop and along came one of the great grandma-isms that has resurfaced my entire life; the most important variable to any situation is time.  Time to learn and digest; Time to find out the lesson or purpose; Time to mourn or celebrate; Time to take for ourselves and heal.

Hearing this time antidote for most of my life, as many of us have, I never took it for its full meaning.  Now, as an adult, I see that the constant thought about giving moments and situations the time they need has given me great patience.  To me, patience is my most valuable quality because that is one of the qualities that I most admire in other people.  Patience helps allow someone to see the big picture.  Patience is something that we all, especially in our country, could use more of constantly.

After we finished at the airport, grandma and I started talking about the many years, and the different circumstances she was in while teaching special education.  From the great moments of creating adults out of these children whom many thought would not be able to live without constant help, to the moments where all she could do was ask for any form of help possible.  Those days, where she was going against stream with all of her forty plus students, are the days she says gave her the most strength for whatever the next situation was.

While talking about her experiences, and the importance of time, we then went onto a topic that many of us think about and don’t share it with others.  The topic is forgiveness and we asked the question how do you forgive those people who went against all of the personal morals you have?  How do you forgive after you and people you love and respect have been hurt and lives have been ruined? 

Fortunately, that level or resentment and betrayal has not been included in my life-line, but that is not to say that it won’t or can’t.  When the time comes though, that we all need to let go of these feelings and forgive, how do we? 

My grandma included her belief in being a good Christian as part of why she needs to forgive.  For me, when I get closer to the end of my life, which I hope is not for some time yet, I will also think about those people that I may feel ill or anger towards and see if I am able to let those feelings go. 

This topic though just made our conversation come into one full circle back to time, and that time heals. The more time spent after these people you’re looking to forgive have actually performed the act that caused these feelings, the less reluctant we are to hold those feelings so strongly.  We do and can forgive.  It is less stress when we do forgive and a waste of energy when we can’t forgive.  The key is to take a little advice from grandma and give everything the time it needs and in the way of forgiveness, that is the time to heal, even if it takes an extremely long time to do.